To save a damsel in distress

Story & Setting
#1

Carol: [after arriving at Melvin’s apartment in the middle of the night] Mr. Udall?
Melvin: Carol the waitress?
Carol: Yes.
Melvin: [opens the door] Hi…
Carol: The doctors gave me your billing address, I’m sorry about the hour. Um…
Melvin: If you’re um… um… if you’re um… worried about thanking me and…
Carol: That’s not why I’m here… Though you have no idea what it’s like to have a real conversation with a doctor about Spencer.
Melvin: [very uncomfortable] Note. Put it in a note.
Carol: Why did you do this for me?
Melvin: So you come to work and wait on me.
Carol: Do you have some idea how strange that sounds? I’m worried you did this bec…
[long silence]
Melvin: Are you waiting for me to say something? Look, um… I’ll be at the restaurant tomorrow.
Carol: I don’t think this can wait until tomorrow, I need to clear this up, now.
Melvin: Clear what up?
Carol: I’m not going to sleep with you! I will never sleep with you, never, ever!
Melvin: [after a pause] Well, I’m sorry, but, um… we don’t open for the no-sex oaths until 9 a.m.
Carol: I’m not kidding.
Melvin: Anything else?
Carol: No, just… thank you. (As Good as It Gets, 1997)

Lie #2: Women (and therefore sex) are prizes to be won or a payment to be earned.

Princess Leia, from the Star Wars trilogy, is perhaps one of the strongest female characters to grace the screen. She’s clever, she’s a strong leader, and she’s a good shot to boot.

She is also beautiful, and it is the combination of her beauty and her obvious need that sends Luke [yes, we know, it later turns out that he is her brother] off on his epic quest. And Han and Luke’s competition for her attention forge some significant interactions between the trio. Leia kisses Luke on-screen twice; once is “for luck”—to motivate him to safety—and the other is to show her satisfaction with him, and incite jealousy in Han. In these two little kisses, she trains Luke and Han, and all the audience, that good behavior merits sexual rewards.

This is one of pop culture’s favorite lies, especially among the geek/nerd subculture (warning: some language at that link). “Romance” is embedded in many video games, for example; but their success or failure is dependent—literally—on whether or not the player hits the right button at the right time. In TV and the movies, the nerdy guy almost always gets the hot girl. (But, of course, the nerdy girl must always become the hot girl to get the hot guy, mind.) Even in the hilarious, trope-thwarting LEGO Movie, the everyman hero Emmet convinces the smart, beautiful Wyldstyle to dump Batman—Batman!—for him. He has saved the world, and therefore he has ‘earned’ the girl.

Is this fiction? Sure. Are the stories amusing? Sure. But Elliot Rodger internalized and believed them. As he entered adulthood, he expected that the typical status signifiers of nice clothes and a nice car would be enough to earn him the respect and admiration of women. He went to college and attended parties expecting that women would see him and fawn over him (never mind that he never thought to strike up a conversation himself). And when he never got the attention he believed he deserved, six people lost their lives.

Rodger, you see, took this attitude to its logical extreme. He stripped women of their choice and of their personhood. His manifesto says to women: “Your thoughts and desires don’t matter. I am smart and wear nice clothes, and therefore I deserve you. And because you have denied me your love, you must pay.”

Most people don’t take such extreme views, but a frightening number of people still objectify each other. Even Christian singles aren’t so different. Sure, most people know enough to realize that a conversation is the first step in a relationship. But it’s common for both men and women to see interactions with each other as transactional:

• “If I help her with her broken-down car, she’ll have to go out with me!”
• “If I bake the best cookies ever, he’s sure to fall in love with me!”
• “Sure, I’ll listen to her cry about her boy troubles. Then she’ll fall in love with me instead, right?”
• “He seems to like blondes. That means all I need to do is to dye my hair to get out of the friendzone.”
• Or, to quote Rick Springfield: “I’ve been funny/I’ve been cool with the lines/Isn’t that how love’s supposed to be?/Why can’t I find a woman like that?/I wish that I had Jessie’s girl.”

This kind of patient hanging-on rarely works, and will often lead to bitterness. Or, worse […]

Mercifully few rampage like Rodger, but a rather large number of people enter into a relationship looking for some sort of personal validation, and when the relationship fails to fill the need, they are filled with bitterness and resentment.

(Lisa “Wasabi Jane” Eldred, Elliot Rodger and the Lies We Believe About Sex - Covenant Eyes’ Breaking Free blog, July 15, 2014)

1 Like
Anna of Warhorsia accused of witchcraft
#2

I hope Henry (the protagonist) won’t “get the girl”.

#3

cough sorry but umm… which girl are you talking about? Should he live a life as a single in the story or what do you intend to happen?

And sure, yes I had a recent “damsel in distress” story. Let me know if you wanna hear it. It’s interesting.

#4

I think you know what I mean… that is, if you’ve read the post.

You can tell your story if you want to.

#5

Okay a typical damsel in distress, a project manager in need of information on what she has to do next. I tell her “search through your e-mails” knowing that she has at least one e-mail including the information she needs. Since she’s got many projects to manage and not much time she insisted that I give her the information right away. I waited until she said she’s not agreeing with the way I’m treating her right now in that situation. So I gave her the information she needed, she then said she hates me a little bit. Later on I helped her again immediately, just to get rid of this “hate status” which worked like a charm.

Now the interesting part: She said to me she would agree that I don’t give her the answer right away “in normal situations” (which barely exist) if she’s able to figure it out herself in time but since I knew she’s in stress she would have preferred that I give her the answer right away.

Was that the first time? Not at all. It happened before and I did it the same way back then, it ended up the same way. Did she say she’ll do better next time? Of course, just like last time! Will she do it better next time? I doubt it.

This is one of the “damsel in distress” stories you barely get to know. And yes, I like to help damsels in distress (gets me chocolate even if I don’t expect it) but I hate to be Mr. Niceguy, because women get used to it.

PS: Yes I’m the nerd and she’s the beautiful woman.

1 Like
#6

(Post can’t be empty.)

#8

in the first fiction cited, she eventually does have sex with him, or so it is implied, since they begin a relationship together. what’s the point of delineating human interaction into “strong female” and “damsel in distress”? are we to believe women are never in need of help? are we to believe me enter into relationships with women primarily to gratify their own needs? is that true of women? what’s the point of this topic again?

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#9

At the end of the movie it is implied that – despite all odds – they end up being together. They even kiss, twice. Then they go into the bakery and order some warm rolls. However, the movie ends there. You don’t know how it will continue. Maybe they’ll break up after just one day.

Sure they are. The question rather is: what motivates you in helping them?

A woman won’t solve all your problems, among other things.

#10

Which is stated nowhere in this thread.

1 Like
#11

Isn’t it?

Have you also followed the first link?

But the overall problem is one of a culture where instead of seeing women as, you know, people, protagonists of their own stories just like we are of ours, men are taught that women are things to “earn,” to “win.” That if we try hard enough and persist long enough, we’ll get the girl in the end. Like life is a video game and women, like money and status, are just part of the reward we get for doing well.

So what happens to nerdy guys who keep finding out that the princess they were promised is always in another castle? When they “do everything right,” they get good grades, they get a decent job, and that wife they were promised in the package deal doesn’t arrive? […]

I’ve heard Elliot Rodger’s voice before. I was expecting his manifesto to be incomprehensible madness—hoping for it to be—but it wasn’t. It’s a standard frustrated angry geeky guy manifesto, except for the part about mass murder.

I’ve heard it from acquaintances, I’ve heard it from friends. I’ve heard it come out of my own mouth, in moments of anger and weakness.

It’s the same motivation that makes a guy in college stalk a girl, leave her unsolicited gifts and finally when she tells him to quit it makes him leave an angry post about her “shallowness” and “cruelty” on Facebook. It’s the same motivation that makes guys rant about “fake cosplay girls” at cons and how much he hates them for their vain, “teasing” ways. The one that makes a guy suffering career or personal problems turn on his wife because it’s her job to “support” him by patching up all the holes in his life.

(Arthur Chu, Your Princess Is in Another Castle: Misogyny, Entitlement, and Nerds - The Daily Beast, May 27, 2014)

#12

Again this is not saying that women (should) solve all problems!

Guess what: I want to be the trophy. I want to be admired. Who doesn’t want to be admired? It’s not about fame, it’s not about power. According to these articles I did everything right except for that “wife” part and must be really angry about it. And I am not angry.

And now I read it’s one of Arthur Chu’s article. LOL yeah, now it makes sense that this article makes no sense.

#13

Yes, who doesn’t…

Depeche Mode - “Personal Jesus” - YouTube

Reach out and touch faith
Reach out and touch faith

Feeling unknown and you’re all alone
Flesh and bone by the telephone
Lift up the receiver, I’ll make you a believer

Take second best, put me to the test
Things on your chest you need to confess
I will deliver, you know I’m a forgiver

Your own personal Jesus
Someone to hear your prayers
Someone who cares

Your own personal Jesus
Someone to hear your prayers
Someone who’s there

Reach out and touch faith
Reach out and touch faith

“This much-covered Martin Gore classic was a major shock upon its release. Depeche Mode may have spent the '80s getting away from fey synth-pop, but still no one expected thundering stadium drums, rockabilly guitars and a Dave Gahan vocal of such depth and authority. Inspired by Priscilla Presley’s autobiography, Elvis and Me (1985), Personal Jesus (1989) is about the dangers of giving too much power to the lover/mentor in your life. Johnny Cash’s 2002 version lent extra gravitas.” (The Guardian: 1000 Songs)

#14

Since this topic is not clarifying anything, I’m closing it. If you want to discuss that topic again, open it with your own words instead of a series of articles.

4 Likes
I hope Henry won't "get the girl"
#15
2 Likes
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